I remember being smaller. I’m not sure what age. Just….small. I remember spending the night at Granny’s house. Doing the number fill ins because those were the ones she saved for me because she didn’t like them.
I remember I was at that age where I needed to wear deodorant because my under pits smelled like butt, but I was too embarrassed to ask my mom to buy me some Teen Spirit. I was laying in bed with Granny and she said “Casey, is that you I smell? I think we should buy you some deodorant.” Problem solved. Thanks Gran.
I remember coming home from school and walking into a clean room with fresh sheets and vacuumed carpet. There, on the pillow, was a note Granny had scribbled on the back of an envelope saying , ” I hope you had a great day. I wanted to clean up a little. I love you so much.” I tossed every note in a little box.
Then, I remember moving in with Granny in high school. I believe me and my mom were on strike about getting new floors in our house. Trying to prove a point to dad? I’m not quite sure. I just know I slept with my Granny every night. I got ready for graduation in her bedroom.
I remember moving to Cape thinking I was moving in with the “love of my life”. Only to find myself going and back and forth from Cape to Granny’s. She let me in every time.
I remember my parents splitting up. I don’t remember much during that time considering all the booze and whatnot I was consuming. I’d come to Gran’s, messed up, and she’d cook me food and let me sleep. We would talk the next morning, drinking coffee on the porch. She would ask me why I’d go “throw a drunk” thinking it would help. I never had any answers. She never expected any.
I remember declining her phone calls because I didn’t want to lie to her and tell her I was okay when I was not. I didn’t want her to ask if I was drinking and driving. I didn’t want her to ask me to come home.
I remember telling her I was pregnant. That I wasn’t keeping it. She was there for me the whole time.
I remember finally getting a smidge sober. After ending a very unstable relationship, I was able to get into nursing school.
I remember the money she “loaned” to me, knowing I could never pay her back.
I remember getting ready in her bedroom to graduate from nursing school.
I remember telling Granny I was pregnant. She was so nervous for me. I think because she still saw me as a little girl. Even still, she supported me.
I remember her coming to the hospital to meet Miss Sophie Laverne. Granny fell in love, yet again, with another one of us.
I remember all the horsey knee rides, songs sung, little blue bird and red bird stories, biscuits and gravy cooked, socks put on, socks kicked off and socks put on again, sleepovers, eating powdered donuts on the potty chair, and front porch playing Sophie got to have with her.
I remember asking Granny “Can I have this when you die?” – Just random things. Just t be funny, maybe? She’d reply with “Don’t talk like that, Casey. You can have whatever you want. I won’t be here.” I took quite a few things…
I remember her quality of life declining. How she always remained calm about her poor health but worries about my laundry being caught up.
I remember the day I finally realized she would not be leaving the hospital this time.
I remember preparing myself for years for her death. I’ve written speeches that I would give at her funeral. Chose songs that I wanted to be played. Thought about how devastated I would be.
I remember the day she died. It was nothing like anything I’ve ever felt before. My world shattered in a million different pieces. During the week of her funeral, things just kind of kept me occupied.
Now, reality has set in. I will never have that chance of watching Y&R or be able to go down on a Saturday and cook us all breakfast.
I can’t find that little box of her notes anywhere…..
Her life here has ended and mine is supposed to go on.